


wanted to be your lover

by kaiiarei



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom, Pain, Sad, Sad Ending, Sadness, Suicide, Suicide Notes, im really sorry bout this, im so sorry, this is all angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-24 11:01:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14354097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaiiarei/pseuds/kaiiarei
Summary: everyone thought steve rogers was perfect in every damn way. everyone can be wrong.





	wanted to be your lover

**Author's Note:**

> tw: suicide and angst im so sorry about this
> 
> also HI im kai and this is rly short but my first work here!

bucky screamed when he found the body. he’d screamed so loudly, sadness invading every corner of the sound. he wouldn’t have his voice again, and when he did it wouldn’t be the smooth voice he’d just gotten back. it’d be cracked and painful. he falls to his knees, hands frantically checking steve for a pulse. there is none. captain america is gone. steve rogers is dead. _stevie. steve. steve. stevie. steve._

in the corner of his eye he sees a piece of paper sticking out from under steve’s cold foot. he pulls it out. his hands are trembling. a note. but not a suicide note. just one addressed to bucky. but then, bucky reads the date on the top. he sucks in a shaky breath.

 

march 10th 1945.

dear buck, if you’re reading this, i’m probably dead, right? well, i’m sorry then. i really am. i’m tired, buck. everything in me is tired. i guess, i should say some of my favorite things about you. your eyes and your laugh and your hair and skin and smile. and your hands and legs and clothes and voice and personality, and everything. goddamnit james i love everything about you. i love you. and i wish i could tell you. maybe you love me too. who knows? i’m sorry i was weak. i’m sorry i couldn’t handle it anymore. i’ll miss you, i know. i love you and i regret never telling you. i love you, i love you, i love you.

‘til the end of the line, stevie

 

and then, everything comes back to bucky. every last memory, every phrase he’d spoken to steve. that only made this hurt all the more. he cries and cries and cries and he knows he’s alone for a while. he presses the damn letter to his chest, memories still pouring out like he’s a faucet. then he sees a flash of red and he knows romanova had walked in. he remembers all of her too.

he turns to look at her, “natalia-” he starts, and his voice breaks. and she stares in shock because _steve rogers is dead_ and it made _james buchanan barnes cry._ she collapses and puts one hand on bucky’s back. they cry. bucky in loud, wracked, sobs, and natasha with a waterfall of tears and heavy breaths.

all of a sudden tony appears, staring in shock. it’s clear he doesn’t want to believe what they see.

and then, there’s a crying mob of people on the ground next to steve’s cold body.

bucky still has the letter pressed against his heart. as if his tears in itself would bring steve back. they wouldn’t. _they didn’t_.

 

-

 

“why do you fucking think he killed himself?” bucky asks slowly, quietly. the team stares at him, slightly awestruck, due to his quiet nature in the past few days. the rest of the team had been confused and heartbroken. but bucky? his _other half_ was missing.

“why do you think when one person asked how he was in seven years?” the team looks at him. “when only sam and i call him by his name? not his title? when no one pays attention to his clear anxiety and panic attacks and depression? did no one remember he was literally the youngest on the team, physically and mentally? when all he does is fight and fight and fight? and what’s more, fights for what he believes, only to be betrayed over and over again? wouldn’t you want to fucking kill yourself then?”

and then the team realizes. and the look on tony’s face shows blatant realization. the entire team realizes what they did to steve. he gave everything up. then he was betrayed. then he found the only thing that meant something to him. and he wasn’t allowed to protect it.

 

and now, bucky realizes, letter in his pocket, _i loved him too._


End file.
